My wife caught me in a strip club last night.

[MTM105]

 

 

She said, "What the hell are you doing in here.?" I said, "Shut up, I'm not paying you to talk.”

Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo and I'll take lookout. 

You're telling me, a chicken fried this rice?

Cologne - because people shouldn't have a choice whether or not they want to smell you. 

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman. 

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? 
Wait...
Regular or Asian?

My wife said, "I've noticed that your new secretary is very pretty and wears a short skirt." I said, "Sorry dear - she's not into women." 

I was wondering. Do women shake the nozzle on the gas hose when they're done filling, or is that just a guy thing? 

Just formed a new band called "Deaf". We've just been signed. 

I do not have an obsession with tidiness. Just wanted to clear that up. 

My father brought me up single-handedly. It wasn't easy being the son of a pirate. 

Accidently cut a guy off on the freeway. He was pretty good about it though. He pulled up alongside me and gave me half a peace sign. 

I'm at a point in my life where enjoying lots of bars just means I have a fully charged cell phone.

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

All my dance moves look like I'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom". 

My wife's got a great personality! It's her other 6 personalities that I'm worried about.

If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans. 

Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, junk.
The second was thinking that they went with that dress. 

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn't be able to stop until I'd added glasses and a mustache.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies, as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King". 

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants? 

He died doing what he loved: being alive.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?